marguillem

exodus

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 05:49:37 GMT

this shall officially be my last entry, because let's face it, my life is a load of crap. and furthermore, why stop there, let's really put the truth out there, i am a fuck-whit for even showing the slightest interest in this shit. but in keeping with tradition, i would like to end on a relatively pointless, melodramatic, crappy entry regarding my pathetic existence as a manipulated girl. what better way to do so, than with an entry filled with venegence and spite. and yes, this one goes out to that crappy fuck-whit, who has turned me into a stupid fuck-whit, and i deserve every ounce of stupid melodramatic pain i have encountered for clearly i have inflicted this upon myself.

i am a moron. not only did he cheat on me with one girl multiple times, but yes, MULTIPLE GIRLS MULTIPLE TIMES. (at this point i know of two, but really, the first should have been enough so why bother with any further investigations) you see, the entire time I was recieving those sappy, crap-filled e-mails he had his dirty cock shoved up other girls trashy cunts. please excuse my disgusting inability to make the visual sound appealing.

let's see....he says, and i quote,

"no matter how many hateful things come out of your mouth and are directed at me, i have that unconditional love and sure i will get upset and get pissed and act like an ass, but for certain you are the only one with the key to my heart." (this naturally, is the follow-up e-mail that attempts to smooth over my first knowledge of his infidelity)

how do you feel about that now sir? i'm pretty sure you don't care. see, i was your "family" girlfriend. the one you could take around your family, because i had been around so long and it made you look legit. i was good enough for that job. smart, relatively attractive (even if you did secretly wish i would develop an eating disorder), and willing to sacrifice parts of my life for you. families love when others are willing to put their kids first. and they were your drunken party girlfriends. you know, the kind that are hot and fun to fuck. maybe now one of those drunken party girlfriends will be promoted, and she will have the privelege of following you around to watch you play golf, sitting on your couch while watching you read, and going home early so that you can go to bed.

you see, things will NOT BE FORGOTTEN when i get back from london, but rather your entire existence will be erased from my brain. that's my new years resolution. i'm just pissed it took 4 years to figure that out.

the spirit of giving

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 23:28:57 GMT

my family has decided not to celebrate christmas anymore. my parents have declared they are not giving us presents, and they vehemently opposed any sort of christmas decorations or tree. i had to put up quite a large fight to be allowed to put up a tree (which i ended up paying for and decorating myself). nobody in the house cares, and in fact my brother feels spitefully happy that we will finally spend christmas the way he wants to, as individuals and alone. mind you we will do our usual drive to nh christmas eve, come back to ri for christmas morning, and then head back up to nh for christmas day, but i don't think i'm bothering to go.

what do i say to all of this? fuck the lot of them. i don't really care that there are no presents, but what really pisses me off is that my 'family', during the time of year when you are supposed to be thinking about the ones you love, has completely bailed out on me. granted our stupid society/economy has turned christmas into a money driven chore of gift buying, but at least it was tradition. i found pleasure in spending time with my mother and brother buying people presents. i liked to think about what presents might make other people smile.

they are my family.

i plan to evacuate this life as soon as possible. i have to figure out and obtain a job that will support me. any suggestions? my new life will be filled with an abundance of imaginary people who give/receive endless amounts of love, joy, and warmth. we will start our own traditions, and i will bake for them and knit them scarves. me and the imaginary people. sweet.

life rocks this way

Fri, 10 Dec 2004 16:59:37 GMT

it's good to be 'home' except for the fact that i don't feel like i'm home at all.

don't get me wrong. my family is all here, but instead of being home it feels like i have met up with them for a vacation of sorts.

less than a month before i head out for london.

i am a new person.

i am in the mood to read the dr. seuss book "oh the places you'll go" and smile.

i am ready to never come back here.

kisses!

grapefruits

Sun, 28 Nov 2004 20:45:07 GMT

are supposedly good for you, but i think they taste disgusting.

the next two weeks will be known as "margaret boot camp". do not attempt to contact me unless you feel like you can provide me with worthwhile distraction.

(and let me clarify, all distractions in life are worthwhile, so therefore, please, distract me)

i hate this place

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 22:48:07 GMT

because every memory these days is tainted with bitter-sweet longing for the days when things were right.

we sit there and look at each other and know that it's a long road ahead, no matter which way we choose.

i hate this place, because everything i love is wrapped intricately into every street. we met there. we laughed over there. we loved here. we sat together, we smiled together, we planned together. we were never alone.

i go for a drive, and i can't think of anything else. i sit at our beach and stare into the cattails, praying for things to change.

it's my fault. i left. i ran away.

i love when we were innocent. i hate homewreckers. i hate that i opened that door.

but it's good to be alone. it's nice to meet yourself. i'm just so sad to be so far away.

if i ever write a book, i will come back here and sit on that bench where i can let our world spin around me. you will reach out to me through the wind, and i will hear you again. i will understand.

everything will be ok. everything is going to be fine.

our library

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 21:50:22 GMT

a huge place with lots of books? right? any book you could possibly dream of wanting? am i right???? yea, well i'm convinced the entire library science team is playing a big joke on me.

why is it, that amongst the hundreds of thousands of books in the damn place, it's always the three i need to write my paper with that ARE NEVER ON THE RIGHT SHELF?

seriously, i spend hours staring at shelves, reading and re-reading the numbers on the fucking aisle only to figure out that the damn book i need has magically disappeared, even if the stupid website says it's checked in.

it's moments like these that i think math and probability are SO WRONG.

i am jealous of the tall pine

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 18:25:03 GMT

that stood for so long bantering back and forth with the wind. it finally fell with a loud crack in the middle of the night. the snow fell softly upon it.

we woke in the morning to the beautiful image of it's horizontal descent. it's mammoth legacy finally conquerable by our tiny little fingers. we climbed on it for hours, the sap tattooed on our hands. it didn't complain once, but rather acquiesced to our childhood adventures.

abundant apologies.

i love my irish lit class

Fri, 12 Nov 2004 18:18:03 GMT

but i feel more and more like the outcast everyday....

the 10 other women in my class all long for marriage. they can't wait to get married (well, minus the two who already are), and they get all gushy whenever they talk about it.

then however there's me....at the topic of marriage i habitually make some gross gurgling sound in my throat and declare that i will never get married. this reaction usually gets me several stares, but i really can't help but feel disgusted that deciding to get married exists as a marker in life. or worse that we can somehow strive to achieve marriage as if it is some intrinsic goal.

since when did getting married become 'THE next step' after collge? i want to be self-sufficient. and yes, i want to find LOVE, but does marriage = love?

regardless, i like these girls. they are good people. just not going where i am.

"Dear William
it is all a fairy tale
best love
Maeve

These are our lives-
I can't get over it"

-Maeve Brennan
(fucking awesome irish woman)

via aaron

Thu, 11 Nov 2004 02:32:53 GMT

http://www.sorryeverybody.com/

so you think i'm going to hell?

Wed, 10 Nov 2004 01:33:41 GMT

i'm sorry you feel that way, but i'm not.

yes i believe in god. no i do not believe in a fanatical love of jesus christ. i do not cry when i hear a church hymn, and i will never be able to fake feeling comfortable with organized religion.

i believe that we are driven by god. god is all powerful, and my life is his whim. (mind you i say his strictly based on simplicity...our culture has defined god as he, so i will refer to it as he for the sake of everyone reading along) there is no need worrying whether or not i am going to hell, because ultimately, if god wants me there he will put me there. if god wants me to feel an overwhelming love for jesus, he will inspire me. you need not to worry about me. i make my decisions based entirely on the premise that i respond directly to an internal faith. don't mess with that people. i trust god, not you.

my pain is trivial and completely relative. suffering is only suffering, because our self-interest is hurt when we feel pain so we have coined suffering as a negative 'evil'. we are naive and have limited intelligence so i accept that this belief in 'evil' is strictly a human confine. i will never understand the world in any way other than god directs me to. i have faith in faith. my pain may not serve any purpose, but that's not up to me to decide.

the bible was written by falliable human hands. do not attempt to lecture me based on its merit. i trust my instinct over something written thousands of years ago by people i considered to be no more inspired than me. my inspiration is truly divine, and i trust that. god pours out of every action i make. my god is your god. my god 'loves' you just as much as he 'loves' me.

i will see you in heaven. whatever heaven may be. i will be there, and so will you, and i wouldn't be surprised if hitler is there too. so there, take that. we are all loved.

and i have a strong desire to write letters

Tue, 09 Nov 2004 20:39:56 GMT

to you.

i don't know why, but as each day brings me closer to london i am absolutely infatuated with the idea of getting completely away from everything and everyone i know. (no offense people) but i want to keep in touch. i just don't want to have to have face to face conversation. strange? very.

i feel more and more like my dad everyday. for example, at dinner with tiffany saturday night my dad sat at the end of the table drinking his red wine, wearing his black turtle neck cardigan and wire framed glasses, staring at the wall of the building across the street not paying attention to our conversation but rather occasionally interjecting his thoughts on the possible history/progression of the building/wall. he's a total spaceshot, but everyday i feel the need more and more to reproach into a similar world of my own fancy. his world makes me entirely jealous. i want to be able to exist on an entirely different thought continent yet remain at the same table.

and that is where the letters come in. at least in a letter you will be forced to exit your world for a short period of time and enter mine.

thinking about this though, i'm pretty sure i'm already there. my social relationships these days have become increasingly less coherent because i really have no social skills anymore. i meet people, and i'm excited to do so but can't find the words to communicate with them face to face anymore. i have these snipits of thoughts that mean something to me, but if i were to put them into the context of a social conversation their meaning would be entirely lost. i can guarantee that if i have met you recently or become reacquainted with you lately, i am completely infatuated with you and have had some sort of running dialogue with you in my head. i just haven't found a way to interact with you yet. i wish i could peel away the layers and get to know the you that you want to project to me. and likewise, i wish i could project onto you some desirable image of myself, but i don't even know what that image is anymore. i'm sorry. i want to know you, but i have a hard time inviting you into my space. yes, there's the wall again. my wall. practically impenetrable.

and then there's jay. everyone keeps asking why i'm still talking to him, but truth is i can't help feeling somewhat responsible. i shut him out a long time ago, (and mind you i'm not sure he deserves to be let back in, ever) but i want to regain that trust from years past. romance aside, i want to reintroduce him to me. he's still there, and he's still begging to be let back into my world. i shut him out for no apparent reason, but i want to let him back in as my friend. i will hate him forever for being disloyal to my love, but i want him to see who i am now. i am proud of me now.

i want you all to know who i am now. i am happy with my life, and i want you all to see it. i'm just not sure how to express the thousands of colors that make me smile. they really are beautiful. even the ugly ones, they are still beautiful.

i will start to write you all letters.

baseball

Mon, 08 Nov 2004 00:31:18 GMT

ass-slapping, spitting, cmon blue, attababy, full count tension, cold bleachers, fast food = crappy food = concession stand food, players in tight pants, fanatical fans, sun in your eyes, wind at your back, blanket in the car, get down, you're up, thataway to stay alive, bases loaded, two outs, sweet sound of the sweet spot, the hole, flings off the mask, skull helmet clinging to his scalp, dirt, ass scraping rocks, the sound of flesh being pummeled by flying leather, he tips it, they run, the sun in his eyes, pump me up, scoreboard, teammates, bat boys, sound of metal walking on alumminum, smell of hot dogs and pizza, sweaty socks, dirty hats, the sun goes down, they want to keep playing, we can't see the ball, the sun disappears, we wake to the dew on the grass and start it all over again

so i spent the entire weekend at the baseball field, and i realized just how much i miss watching my little brother play. and not even just my little brother, i miss baseball in general.

alright you angry bastard

Wed, 03 Nov 2004 14:42:25 GMT

in response to the last response my favorite anonymous asshole left:

Politics are like a really bad relationship anyways, and people who chose to base the entire worth of their life around who wins the presidential election are more melodramatic than I am. So congratulations, you apparently have filled your life with the hopes and dreams of a quasi-relationship with some candidate who feeds you nothing but lies and false hopes. Personally, I'm not sure we'd be that much worse off as a socialist or communist country, but if you think I'm going to spend one moment concerned with whether Bush of Kerry wins this election, you're pretty dumb. How about we put someone in office I could give two shits about, like a real bush, ya know, the kind that grows on a woman? Maybe then, in this world of patriarchal assholes, I might feel the need pay attention to the corruption of our self-righteous morals.

and i chose happiness

Wed, 03 Nov 2004 00:24:06 GMT

but he's standing there, watching and trying to hold me. trying to tell me it will be ok.

it doesn't actually kill you, like a bullet to the heart or a head on car wreck. it should. it should kill you instantly. but instead i sit here bewildered and angry, wanting to figure out what the hell happened in these last couple of months that i had no clue about. how do you consider someone your best friend, but not see the giant train wreck lurking around the corner. obviously he wanted to hide it from me, but what the fuck. i've always told him i've wanted nothing other than his happiness, and i fucking meant that. there was never an ultimatum saying that if he didn't love me he couldn't talk to me anymore. all i asked for was honesty. i just wanted NOT to be lied to.

when i woke up this morning cuddled up against my wall with the two empty wine bottles staring at me from my bedstand, i realized it was pretty symbolic of my life. so i say fuck all of this. i chose to live my life in complete and total happiness. this won't phase me anymore. i will be happy.

he was the kind of boy

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 05:25:31 GMT

who would wake up early and drive to my favorite coffee shop so that my favorite cup of coffee-flavored-sugar-milk would be waiting by my bed.

i drink my coffee black now.

i propose

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 17:51:33 GMT

good and evil do not exist. of course they exist, and we attempt to identify them in our everyday lives (as if so that we could negate the evil and embrace the good). the 'truth' however is that we have determined the associations that go along with good and evil.

so i'm bored with this topic, but there is much more to be said.

i wish i had roots

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 22:58:19 GMT

to go home to.

i hate the fact that my entire life can't be summed up into one house, one town, or even one state for that matter. i am insanely jealous of the fact that most of my friends have all of their memories tied up into one sweet little morsel, and if they want to take a trip down memory lane they can probably do it in one day. my return to innocence includes hours and hours of travel, and a plethora of street names and license plates.

granted, i will always refer to home as the place where my parents are, but sooner or later they're going to move again. then where will home be? chances are i won't have lived in that house for longer than a weekend, and i certainly will not have amounted any memories in their new town. there will be no markings on the door jam charting the growth of me and my brothers, no old tree fort rotting in the undergrowth, and no familiar smell of mold brought on by the open vents of windows in the spring.

i just want to be able to go home and fall into old habits. my memories are less like memories and more like dreams; i can never really be sure that the stage they were performed on ever even existed.

don't get me wrong, i am grateful for having the chance to move around, but it makes me feel like i've missed out on something important. i know i can't change any of that, but i really do hope that somewhere down the line my life is different. i want to pick a homebase and then travel from there. the world will come to me!

AND WE WIN!

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 03:44:56 GMT

If only you could have held on for 2 more weeks. This one was for you. We love you! I know you're smiling.

dear mom,

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 20:31:48 GMT

(and everyone else for that matter)

yes, i am sick again, and NO i don't want to talk about it. my stomach is bleeding again. yes, i am pissed off about it. it is a matter of death and mid-terms so don't ask me what's wrong, because if you do i'll probably give you some snotty response.

i am taking my steroid-covered pellets of happiness and health again, so just leave it alone. there is nothing else anyone can do about it. i am not going back to my doctor until i have to crawl, so don't try to encourage me. i am not going home this semester, i don't FUCKING care what happens.

i am laying this out here in universal form, because i don't have the energy to address all of you individually. if you haven't been able to tell i've been avoiding most EVERYONE. so with that in mind, i promise to make an attempt to come out of it now. there, i have admitted it. let's just drop it.

yours truly,
mpg

it was this really vibrant color

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 07:38:41 GMT

that i could see for about a week. see at first i was blinded and not exactly sure what to make of it; it was really bright. but then i decided it was one of those colors you'd like to paint one of the rooms of your house with. maybe even your favorite room. (i mean, cmon, it's just a room) so anyway, there it was, all in my eyes, and i decided i liked it.

so i closed my eyes, and took this nice refreshing nap. when i woke up, apparently there had been this giant rainstorm, because it was gone. g-o-n-e gone! i definitely thought something like that might happen though, because i hadn't seen something quite as vibrant in a long time. if only i had thought of a way to shellac it.

the strange part about it was that i knew it would disappear, even before i went to sleep. i mean, i didn't want it to. even tonight i still try to close my eyes and pretend that i can see it, but it faded. yup, gone. it was this really vibrant color. the kind that makes you smile.

so i take four english classes

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 01:47:29 GMT

and a philosophy class.

i read approximately 200 pages a night, and i write more papers than i care to talk about.

mind you, i love to read, but i would also love to get away from this mundane lifestyle. i think i have mentioned this before.

and i'm sick of thinking about philosophy and english tonight. i want some math and science back in my life. something else i can sink my teeth into. give me something else to ponder.

maybe i will start trouble somewhere instead.

easily distracted

Sat, 23 Oct 2004 21:42:44 GMT

yes dear. i loved you. no dear. i am not coming back.

it is always the things we want that we can't have

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 01:00:51 GMT

a couple of things.....

first and foremost, if you're going to respond (and please do) TELL ME WHO YOU ARE! it's really not a fair little game all you anonymous postees are playing with me. i mean you guys even get a picture of me, so it's the least you can do to give me a name.

also....

if any of you have any irish music please e-mail it to me. (guilmp2@wfu.edu) i am making a compilation for class.

lastly....

why is it that the things we want are always the things we can't have? it's kind of like a running joke... but it's really not funny. god has a sick sense of humor, and i have every intention of mentioning this him/her the next time we chat. completely unacceptable as far as i'm concerned.

that is all.

ps - i hate politics. and i'm really sick of our country attempting to elect presidents based on character debates. as far as i'm concerned they're all sleezy crooks just like you and me. i propose (and i have already mentioned this to some of you) that someone make an objective website which offers a quiz for determining who to vote for. the quiz focuses STRICTLY on how the fucking candidate would deal with certain issues; you're asked a bunch of questions on how you would vote on an issue (think yes or no answers) and then the website calculates which stupid candidate you have the most answers in common with. enough crappy media jargon. FUCK THE MEDIA.

i am done.

i love autumn

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 19:29:16 GMT

because everything is pumpkin.

pumpkin pie, pumpkin spice latte, pumpkin cheesecake, pumpkin carving, pumpkin seeds...
pumpkin pumpkin pumpkin!

my dad calls me pumpkin year round. it's nice to be reminded of him daily.

wherever i end up, i am going to buy a ceramic pumpkin and make it a monument in my house.

and everyone keeps asking

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 17:26:15 GMT

what is it that i want? what is it that i seem to be so intently searching for?

and yes, they are talking about love. maybe i keep asking myself this question causing the uncertainty to exude from my soul, but nonetheless i have been asked probably four times in the last two days. so while dutifully not paying attention in class as usual, i decided to write it down. make some definitive statements on a topic i describe as ambiguously as my emotions.

true love really exists.

i don't really care how it happens, and i have no expectations for it beyond the way i want it to feel. i dream of it evolving into this incredibly romantic game of tag that we both just understand; it's a game, and we both know how to win yet don't want to. not just yet. he goes left, i follow on his heels, catch the essence of his whim, and then dodge right. he glances back to notice i changed direction and then manipulates his steps to make sure he collides with me again. we sidestep through life, moments away from one another, discovering life in our way and becoming completely enthralled with our overlap.

then we get tired. we fall down in each others arms and pick a place we want to live. we find a way to make the things that are most important to us our life. we build some kind of business from scratch, buy and sell real estate, find fascinating people to share our new life with, and yes, we have kids. we revisit the game of tag and take pleasure in our differences, our fights, our joy, our happiness. we are disgustingly in tune, and no one is capable of finding out our frequency.

it will happen. i have faith.

in the meantime though...i have a free plane ticket to anywhere in the country, and i am going to use it to go somewhere i've never been. i'm going by myself, and i'm not paying for a hotel room. i have no agenda, and i don't want any restrictions. (for example: i can't rent a car)

any suggestions?